Insert Witty Title Here

Today has been an "off" day.

Nothing specific, or so I thought. I've mostly felt a general malaise. Blah. Aimless. A bit listless.

And then, it finally hit me.

My friend A offered to list some crystals for me on her Palmstreet account, and today was the purge (aka sale). 

There was only 1 sale, and it was for $6.

And so, that icky, mean, sniveling little voice in my head started saying, "Geez. You can't even sell crystals. What a failure you are."

I'm worried that in my job searching, I'm now dealing with ageism on top of everything else. And I'm worried that my autism is causing me to not quite say the right things or ask the right questions during an interview. Or my facial expressions are off. Or my mannerisms. Or there's simply something I'm not picking up on, that's causing me to fail.

Part of that came from a Facebook post I made, whinging about the current situation, and a couple of people mentioned that I'm the problem and maybe I need a coach or my resume is "wrong" or I'm doing other things "wrong."

Who knows. 

Maybe they're right.

(But that wasn't the moment to say such things. What I needed from that post was empathy, not advice. And it's still hard for me to not take things personally, to not be a sensitive and fragile little being, when that is exactly who and what I am. So, yes. My feelings were hurt.)

And I hate how much of my identity I used to derive from my work. Because I literally can't be that way anymore. I can't put that mask back on. It no longer fits.

Anyway, my day just kinda went downhill from there.

The bottom line is... I'm worried that I won't be able to get a job. 

Any job.

All the listings I'm seeing for someone with my qualifications either don't post the salary, or when they do? It's a pittance. Literally $30-50 grand less than what I should be making, for someone with my experience and expertise level.

Think about that.

And because the market is so competitive, potential employers have their pick of the litter. 

It doesn't matter that people are leaving corporate America in droves.

It doesn't matter that the unemployment rate is the lowest it's been in years.

What does matter is that it's significantly harder to get a job unless you've already got one.

I wish I could be a person who does well working as an independent contractor, but that is simply too stressful for me. Too many unknowns.

I wish I didn't have to work at all. I wish I was simply independently wealthy, or that I had a rich spouse, or... something. I would love to spend my time learning new things-- taking painting classes, crochet classes, drawing classes, pottery classes, guitar lessons, maybe circle back to piano lessons... 

But that just isn't my reality.

The reality is, I can't afford to wait around for disability.

The reality is... I need a fucking job.

One that I can do, and one that's forgiving enough to allow me to rest when I can't do it.

This company that I'm in the running with is one of these rare companies. It has the best benefits I've ever heard of for an American-based company.

Plus, the work is interesting. It's not hard, but it's interesting and engaging.

I would be challenged in good, different ways than what I've been challenged in my career thus far. I would excel, and I would probably even make some new friends.

It just really sucks to have everything riding on this one job.

Because, honestly? The rejections are just so incredibly defeating. 

And the radio silence or even ghosting that I get from other companies I've applied to is even worse.

Something good has to come through.

Soon.

Please.