Just My Ramblings

I got news today that they passed over me for the job I was interviewing for. I didn't make it to the final round. All due to lack of experience in a similar role. I'm honestly at a loss. It feels like I'm meant to be doing something else.  Something besides working in a typical full time job. But... what ... exactly? I have absolutely no idea. Today, I just allowed myself to mope. To feel sad and down and messy and whatever else came to the surface. I just feel so disillusioned. I'm incredibly down, and I'm struggling to do the basic things, including things like watering and otherwise caring for my plants. And they are starting to show it... especially the anthuriums. Several of them have what I believe to be a fungal infection of some kind, and I need to treat them. I need to repot a bunch of plants. I need to water and prune, and otherwise pay closer attention to all of my plants. And I am just struggling to make myself do it. I honestly just want to stay in bed...

Today has been an "off" day. Nothing specific, or so I thought. I've mostly felt a general malaise. Blah. Aimless. A bit listless. And then, it finally hit me. My friend A offered to list some crystals for me on her Palmstreet account, and today was the purge (aka sale).  There was only 1 sale, and it was for $6. And so, that icky, mean, sniveling little voice in my head started saying, "Geez. You can't even sell crystals. What a failure you are." I'm worried that in my job searching, I'm now dealing with ageism on top of everything else. And I'm worried that my autism is causing me to not quite say the right things or ask the right questions during an interview. Or my facial expressions are off. Or my mannerisms. Or there's simply something I'm not picking up on, that's causing me to fail. Part of that came from a Facebook post I made, whinging about the current situation, and a couple of people mentioned that I'm the problem and...

One way in which I'm definitely still in "survival mode" is around work. I've been out of work (thanks to a layoff) since October 2023. Admittedly, for the first 6 months or so after I was laid off, I just sorta hung out. I rested, continued to recover from my surgery and severe burnout, and I tried my hand at a few different work scenarios. I started driving for Uber, Lyft, DoorDash, and Uber Eats. When those didn't pay enough, I started driving for Alto. When that also didn't pay enough, I started cat sitting, putting off spending the $50 to get the background check for Rover, because, honestly, dog sitting is harder on my body.  Cat sitting is already hard enough on my body, with having to bend over to clean out litter boxes and pet the cats. But dog sitting, where walks are pretty much required-- plus stairs, and being outside in the elements (mostly the heat-- I'm in Texas, after all)... it's just really hard on my body, and many days I simply can...