What a Time to Be Alive

Tonight was one for the books.

My fiancée and I went out on a date.  We haven't been on many dates lately, mostly because we've been broke and depressed. But tonight, we made an exception.

We went to one of our favorite places, Asian Mint. The food was-- as it always is-- very good.

The service, on the other hand...

The server was rather curt when taking our order. 

We noticed that he had a total of 5 tables.

He was very attentive to 4 of them.

But ours?

He took the order and went out of his way to avoid checking on us for our entire meal.

My fiancée attempted to get his attention several times. Her food wasn't quite right (the cashews were missing). She used eye contact to try and draw him, to no avail.

I was sitting in an even better position to catch his glimpse as he passed by... but I don't like to use eye contact (big shock) and, instead, I signaled with my hand slightly raised.

I did this twice.

And, each time, I saw him notice my hand, look away, and continue walking.

I saw him notice my fiancée's eye contact, look away, and continue walking.

We weren't holding hands or even having ooey gooey romantic talk with each other... we were just sitting at the table, minding our own business.

Now... since I've been fully out and I've fully stepped into my lesbianism, including with my clothing, my hair, the way I carry myself... yes-- I have faced some discrimination.

Most of the time, though, I'm able to laugh it off, poke fun at it, be the "black cat" to defend my butch, call out the behavior, or give the person doing the discriminating a sneer, a big old grin, or some other  expression that clearly states, "I see what you're doing, and it's not OK."

But this?

This felt much more personal.

This went deeper.

Because the only people to witness it were my fiancée... and me.

It was so subtle-- at least, to the casual observer.

But it sure as hell didn't feel subtle. It was blatant. Purposeful. Pointed.

Targeted.

My fiancée was furious. She spoke to the manager about it.

The manager apologized. Introduced herself to me. Said she would "take care of us." 

What did she actually do?

Not a fucking thing.

She brought my fiancée the cashews that we were charged for, that had been missing from her soup. 

She didn't give us a discount, take off an appetizer, or give us a gift card or coupon for a future visit... 

All she did was save face.

It was bizarre and performative and total bullshit.

What sucks so much more is that this type of behavior will become more prevalent in the next years, thanks to the new administration. 

And I think it's foolish to think there's anywhere in America that's truly "safe." 

It's just that... with the state we currently live in, people are more brazen and they're becoming increasingly emboldened to embody the hateful, homophobic, misogynistic, racist fucks they truly are... all while toting guns and spouting lies made up by the far right.

It's scary.

And tonight, I suddenly felt more vulnerable about this particular topic than I ever have before. Probably because it happened in a restaurant we have frequented. Probably because we were both caught completely off guard. And the person in charge did absolutely nothing to make it right.

And what sucks about that is... the only real safety we have doesn't exist in public. It only exists behind closed doors.

And even that is tenuous, because of the neighborhood we live in. We try very hard not to call attention ourselves, because most of the people who live here do not approve of our "lifestyle." 

It's all just overwhelming.

This is one huge reason why I put myself back in the closet about 15 years ago, when I was newly divorced and dating both men and women. I knew I was more attracted to women, and I had a hunch that the best thing for me was relationship with a woman. But upon testing the waters and getting just the tiniest bit of pushback? 

I caved.

I'm never doing that again, but this is why people do. People go back in the closet because it is safer, or at least it's perceived as safer.

It's terrifying to be 100% yourself, when you don't fit the societal norms or what the patriarchal mainstream has deemed acceptable. 

Hell, I'm already on some registry or list somewhere because I have a formal ASD diagnosis. The far right already wants to eliminate me because my brain is wired differently... but now that I stand firmly in the "abomination" of homosexuality, they can't wait to eradicate me. 

The tl;dr is, I hate it here, and I wish we could get the fuck out.

What a time to be alive.