Somebody That I Used to Know

Since I'm evaluating who I am right now, and what I want (and I'm pretty sure that turning 50 this year has a little to do with all of this self-reflection), I thought I'd list all of the things I used to be. These are pieces of my identity that I've struggled to connect with over the last however-many years. For this exercise, roles in relationships (wife, daughter, friend, etc.) aren't included.

  • Artist
  • Singer
  • Pianist
  • Band geek (oboe; flag corps in the marching band)
  • Writer
  • Reader
  • Leader/facilitator of writing workshops and seminars
  • Leader/facilitator of a creative writing practice group
  • Traveler
  • Healer
  • Seeker
  • Corporate America employee
  • Glass bead maker
  • Jewelry designer/maker
  • Painter
  • Creative
  • Teacher
  • Volunteer/Advocate
I've never been all of those things, all at once, but I've come close.

Over the last "some" years, I've gone through a number of changes. Some of them were welcome, but a lot of them were not. 
  • Lost my mom to sudden death (sepsis that went septic)
  • Lost my sister exactly 5 months later (drunk driver hit her head-on)
  • Lost my job 3 weeks after my sister died
  • Lost all sense of family and belonging
  • Discovered my boyfriend at the time had been cheating and ended that relationship
  • Lost my best friend of 12 years (she cut me out of her life)
  • Married someone who turned out to be an actual psychopath
  • Divorced said psychopath
  • Spent months in intensive trauma-informed outpatient program, plus therapy twice a week (to address the trauma from marrying a psychopath)
  • Discovered that not only do I have severe ADHD, I'm actually Autistic
  • Suffered severe burnout from multiple corporate jobs
  • Sold the home my parents owned for 20 years, which meant going through and selling (or otherwise discarding) every single keepsake, piece of furniture, and even appliances in a very intense moment during 2019
  • Was unhoused
  • Went to Bali for a month and earned my 200 Hour Yoga Teacher Certification
  • Became disabled (ME/CFS, EDS, POTs, MCAS)
  • Realized I'm gayyyyy
  • Gained and lost another best friend of 5 years, again her decision to cut ties
  • Had a hysterectomy 
  • Gained a bunch of weight that just won't go away
  • Moved house, too many times to count
  • Dated exclusively women for the first time in my life
  • Moved back to Dallas after my dad got really sick
  • Met the love of my life
  • Was laid off and over a year later, I'm still looking for work
That list holds so much trauma. I'm sure it reads a bit like a headline, or a series of headlines. But to experience all of that within a relatively short span of years has changed me to my very core. 

In the process, I've lost sight of what lights me up. I've lost my footing, because I've been in survival mode. 

And now that I've met the love of my life, I've lived in the same little house for 2.5 years, I don't have life-draining bleeding every month, and I have once again found my sense of belonging? All of "what I used to do" and "who I used to be" is coming back to the surface for evaluation.

In other words... I'm no longer in survival mode.

In fact, I'm restless-- because I want that instant gratification of figuring it out right now

Literally everyone knows that creativity just doesn't work that way.

But boy... wouldn't it be nice if it did?

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