thanK you aIMee

I have a job interview this afternoon, and in preparing for it, I looked up the hiring manager on LinkedIn.

Inevitably, I looked at my "feed" and who showed up there?

AB. 

My "former best friend" #3, the most recent one.

It still hurts to read what she's up to. It still hurts to know she's out there, living her best little life. 

Shouldn't I be happy for her?

Shouldn't I be glad she's finding success?

Shouldn't I be over my feelings of Fuck you for abandoning me! by now?

She extracted me from her life with surgical precision, all because after years of a deep, intimate, boundaried friendship... something about me suddenly rubbed her the wrong way. Something about me suddenly became "dangerous" to her.

I'm pretty sure that I'll never understand it.

That's OK, I guess... I've been able to move forward, even though I had to fake my own closure.

And, really-- isn't closure something we have to create, regardless of the situation?

I have created my own closure in this situation. 

I've had therapy sessions devoted to this person, and the situation.

I've journaled about it.

I've cried about it.

I've cried over missing her-- and I've also cried about her missing out on my life.

Because I am a goddammed delight, motherfuckers.

And it's a fucking privilege to be in my life, and especially in my inner circle.

Thankfully, my inner circle (now) has truly amazing people in it.

People who don't take me for granted.

People who accept and love me for exactly who I am.

People I don't have to filter my words/thoughts/feelings around.

People I don't have to tread carefully around.

So, fuck you, AB.

Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on...

"A better woman wouldn't" curse you, "but I howl at the moon."

And, yes-- The Taylor Swift song, "thanK you aIMee" comes to mind, because while most people read that song as just being mean-girl type high school rivals, I read it a bit differently.

I read it as someone who pretended to be a friend. Someone who pretended (maybe tried?) to love and support and appreciate the narrator, but when the narrator gained recognition in the ways that that friend had wanted recognition... that's when she turned. 

It's a cruel betrayal, and that violation hurts deeply.

I have yet to alchemize my pain and grief of lost friendships into something else. For now, it's just kinda sitting there, under the surface. Mostly dormant, but moments like this when it unexpectedly rears up... 

It knocks the wind out of me.

Still.

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