Today Was a Big Bad Sad Day

I got news today that they passed over me for the job I was interviewing for. I didn't make it to the final round.

All due to lack of experience in a similar role.

I'm honestly at a loss.

It feels like I'm meant to be doing something else. 

Something besides working in a typical full time job.

But... what... exactly?

I have absolutely no idea.

Today, I just allowed myself to mope.

To feel sad and down and messy and whatever else came to the surface.

I just feel so disillusioned. I'm incredibly down, and I'm struggling to do the basic things, including things like watering and otherwise caring for my plants.

And they are starting to show it... especially the anthuriums. Several of them have what I believe to be a fungal infection of some kind, and I need to treat them. I need to repot a bunch of plants. I need to water and prune, and otherwise pay closer attention to all of my plants.

And I am just struggling to make myself do it.

I honestly just want to stay in bed and pull the covers up over me and disappear.

That goes for all the social media changes, too.

Of course because I'm autistic, I don't handle change well. I adapt surprisingly well... but that doesn't mean I like it. 

I haven't consumed nearly enough water over the past few days, and of course it's making me feel like shit, because... duh... 

A friend recommended trying renting a car from Avis at their weekly rate, and driving for Uber. And, honestly? I don't think that's a terrible idea. They don't check credit, and there's no deposit-- you just have to prepay for the week, each week you have the car.

The trick is, to drive enough to pay for the rental and then get into the black with as much money in your pocket as possible.

Tricky, tricky...

I might try and do it though, at least for a while... because this constant job searching and applying and then hearing nothing-- or being rejected-- is just too much of a beatdown. 

And I think it would be good for me to get the fuck out of the house, too.

Honestly, that's been a struggle... since my fiancée started her new job. She's gone every day, for at least 10 hours, and that will pretty much always be the case. She works all weekend. So if there's something I want to do, I have to figure out transportation or I simply can't go.

I just hate being on this fucking hamster wheel.

"Does the world progress? Or does it merely shuttle back and forth like a ferry?" -- Flaubert's Parrot, by Julian Barnes 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What a Time to Be Alive

Tonight was one for the books. My fiancée and I went out on a date.  We haven't been on many dates lately, mostly because we've been broke and depressed. But tonight, we made an exception. We went to one of our favorite places, Asian Mint. The food was-- as it always is-- very good. The service, on the other hand... The server was rather curt when taking our order.  We noticed that he had a total of 5 tables. He was very attentive to 4 of them. But ours? He took the order and went out of his way to avoid checking on us for our entire meal. My fiancée attempted to get his attention several times. Her food wasn't quite right (the cashews were missing). She used eye contact to try and draw him, to no avail. I was sitting in an even better position to catch his glimpse as he passed by... but I don't like to use eye contact (big shock) and, instead, I signaled with my hand slightly raised. I did this twice. And, each time, I saw him notice my hand, look away, and continue wa...
Read more

On Being Depressed

Depression is a junk yard dog that always follow me, bobbing and weaving in and out of shadows, and he's always there, a few steps behind, waiting for me to stop moving so he can pounce. I know he's there-- he's always been there-- but his pounce surprises me, still, every single time. In all honesty, I'm just not in a good place, mentally.  I'm irritable. Short tempered. Restless.  But mostly... I'm depressed. I'm already on the max dosage of the antidepressant I take, and I can't afford to go to the doctor anyway, to see about changing something up or adding something else.  I hate this feeling. I feel so powerless about everything, and my body is just craving sleep. I still haven't watered my plants. Some of them are really struggling right now. My neglect is staring back at me. I will say this: last night was good. It was good to get out of the house. Good to go on a date. Good to be in a queer space with my fiancée. Good to be affectionate witho...
Read more

thanK you aIMee

I have a job interview this afternoon, and in preparing for it, I looked up the hiring manager on LinkedIn. Inevitably, I looked at my "feed" and who showed up there? AB.  My "former best friend" #3, the most recent one. It still hurts to read what she's up to. It still hurts to know she's out there, living her best little life.  Shouldn't I be happy for her? Shouldn't I be glad she's finding success? Shouldn't I be over my feelings of Fuck you for abandoning me! by now? She extracted me from her life with surgical precision, all because after years of a deep, intimate, boundaried friendship... something about me suddenly rubbed her the wrong way. Something about me suddenly became "dangerous" to her. I'm pretty sure that I'll never understand it. That's OK, I guess... I've been able to move forward, even though I had to fake my own closure. And, really-- isn't closure something we have to create, regardless of ...
Read more