You Can't Always Get What You Want

There's so much that I want for my life:

• I want to be someone who does yoga every day, or almost every day. 
• I want to be someone who goes for nice, long walks with their dog. Maybe that looks like hiking on trails. Maybe it looks like a walk around the neighborhood. Maybe it's some combination.
• I want to be someone who prioritizes establishing and keeping "routines" in my life. 
• I want to be someone with significantly less clutter in my home.
• I want to be financially free. 
• I want to grow some of my own food, and to actually have the energy to maintain that and all that it entails.
• I want to try new things, creatively and otherwise.
• I want to take classes.
• I want to go back to attending special retreats and workshops and seminars.
• I want to travel.
• I want to own my own home.
• I want to have my own space in my home, or on my property. I want a studio space where I can keep all of my craft and art supplies and leave things out, knowing they're safe from the cats and dogs and whatever other animals we have.
• I want space to dance. 
• I want space to play music loud, where it won't bother anyone else.
• I want to have more than one bathroom.
• I want to get the hell out of Texas.
• I want to marry my fiancée. 
• I want to live in community with others who have similar values. 

If I back up and look at my life from the 10,000 foot view, it becomes crystal clear that I actually already have what I deeply desire. 

I already have peace.

I already have love.

I already have safety.

I already have laughter.

I already have connection and intimacy. 

I think that, plus the whole executive dysfunction thing which makes task initiation and establishing and maintaining routines exponentially more difficult than it is for others... add up to what I'm experiencing these days, which is a whole lot of spinning in circles but not actually accomplishing much of anything. 

I spend too much time scrolling on my phone. 

I think about doing things.

I want to do things.

I talk it out with myself.

I justify why I need to do these things, or why I want to.

I remind myself of the reasons.

And, yet... 

still...

very little gets done.

I'm attempting to approach this like a puzzle to complete, rather than a "problem" to "solve" if that makes sense. In other words, I'm trying to approach my current situation with more curiosity vs. damnation. 

The truth is, if I were to add up all the hours of the last 365 days that I spent scrolling on my phone or otherwise in task initiation paralysis... it would be a significant amount of time.

And it's hard not to feel like shit about that.

My therapist would say that I've needed this time to simply be. 

My fiancée would say that I've needed this time to heal and recover from severe Autistic burnout and all of the myriad health problems I navigate on a daily basis.

My best friend would say that it's interesting that I'm adding all of my time resting as essentially wasted. She would challenge me to look deeper.

I do find it interesting that after so much fucking therapy, all the experiential training, the workshops, the classes, the seminars, the incredibly unique healing experiences I've had in this life... I'm still so fucking hard on myself.

Like... why? What's my payoff?

I honestly don't know.