You Gotta Work (werk werk werk werk werk...)

One way in which I'm definitely still in "survival mode" is around work. I've been out of work (thanks to a layoff) since October 2023.

Admittedly, for the first 6 months or so after I was laid off, I just sorta hung out. I rested, continued to recover from my surgery and severe burnout, and I tried my hand at a few different work scenarios.

I started driving for Uber, Lyft, DoorDash, and Uber Eats.

When those didn't pay enough, I started driving for Alto.

When that also didn't pay enough, I started cat sitting, putting off spending the $50 to get the background check for Rover, because, honestly, dog sitting is harder on my body. 

Cat sitting is already hard enough on my body, with having to bend over to clean out litter boxes and pet the cats. But dog sitting, where walks are pretty much required-- plus stairs, and being outside in the elements (mostly the heat-- I'm in Texas, after all)... it's just really hard on my body, and many days I simply can't do it.

Desk jobs are hard for me because of the requirements of sitting (or otherwise being fairly still) for long periods of time, plus actual focusing on the task at hand. It means I have to take medication to quell the ADHD monkeys in my brain... either that, or copious amounts of caffeine, which unfortunately just makes me sleepy. 

While driving for Alto, I met someone who works for a boutique travel agency that specializes in serving ultra high net worth clients. She offered to send my resume to their hiring manager. Once I did that, I passed the first round of evaluation, and I passed the second round (two types of tests) with flying colors. 

I was asked in for an interview, where I was questioned (and looked at... and perceived... omg it was awful) by FIVE people. Half the company. 

It went as well as it could have gone, considering that was my first real, in-person job interview in about 8 years. My first job interview of any kind in 4 years. So, yes-- I was rusty. I practiced and practiced, and I did as well as I could. 

And then, this company decided to string me the fuck along.

They reached out and asked if I was willing to do a side project for them, to see how I work. My cadence, my communication style and frequency, as well as the end product I would create.

They offered $500, when they really should have offered twice that.

I did try to negotiate, but they didn't budge.

I accepted the $500.

I did the project. 

I was actually pretty proud of my work, considering the money and time constraint. I presented a clear report with enough information from which to make an informed decision, which is exactly what they needed.

They thanked me for the report, and then they went radio silent.

I checked in with them once a week.

They kept assuring me that they'd bring me back into the office.

Then they said there was a role they were considering me for. The role had nothing to do with working in the travel industry, but it was more of an office manager/support type of role. 

Cool. I'm fine with that. In fact, I might even prefer it.

And then-- finally-- after they had strung me along for months...

They let me know at the end of December that they'd "decided on a different direction."

What a fucking crock of shit.

(In the end, I'm pretty sure I'll be eternally grateful I didn't get that job. But at the time, it hurt.)

Around the same time, I was applying and interviewing for a job with a very, very big healthcare-related company. 

The pay would have been significant, but the role was also quite high profile-- similar to roles I've had in the past. To be perfectly honest... I didn't feel ready to do well in that role. I'm not sure my brain will ever be ready for a role like that again.

I still applied, did very well in the interview, and felt confident about my chances of getting an offer.

But, the hiring manager and HR recruiter went radio silent after my interview.

I followed up a couple of times and got no reply, so I am assuming that the role was filled-- or they lost their funding for the team.

Either way-- I didn't get an offer from them, either.

Sometime in December, I connected with someone in my local plant community who offered to look at my resume and pass it along if she thought I might fit with her company. 

I again tweaked my resume, sent it over, and then I had to complete a series of three-minute videos to answer a question that appeared on screen. I think there were 5-6 questions. It was challenging... but I did well enough for the recruiter (my contact) to forward my info to the hiring manager.

And out of 6 people the recruiter recommended for the role, the hiring manager chose 4 to interview.

I am one of those 4.

The interview is on January 7.

It would be such an amazing opportunity, to do something really different... and something that will actually make a difference. I honestly feel like I would enjoy the position and the company is one I can truly believe in, because they are genuinely doing good things.

So... if you see this, and it's before January 7th, wish me luck?

Generally speaking, I feel totally beaten down in this job market.

I've gotten rejection after rejection after rejection.

I've gotten total radio silence.

I've gotten only "so far" in a process before I say or do something that causes me to be eliminated from the pool of qualified, eligible, worthy people.

I'm incredibly nervous about the prospect of going back to work full time.

I'm not sure I can. 

I'm not sure I'm recovered enough.

I'm not sure I'll ever be recovered enough.

I do wish I was organized enough to do freelance work, so that I could work when I had the energy, and hang out and rest when I don't have the energy.

There are several problems with this model, though...

1. Pipeline. I'd need to have some kind of pipeline of business. Regular enough intervals that I wouldn't become desperate in search of the next few bucks to put money on the table, but not overflowing so I don't get overwhelmed.
2. Marketing. Getting my name out there enough so that people would know what kind of work I can do, my rates, my availability, etc. Marketing is tough, and I'm terrible at it. Plus, I hate it.
3. Portfolio. I would need to create one. And unfortunately, I'd have to create one from scratch, because all of the deliverables I've created in the past are proprietary. They either feature a specific type of software, or I had to sign an NDA on top of the typical company NDA, or I never got the opportunity to adapt my work enough so that I could "take it with me" when I left a company. It takes a lot of work to put a portfolio together, and I don't know that I will ever have the discipline to actually do it.
4. Focus. Exactly what do I want to offer? I love video editing, but I'm not a professional and I don't have the professional equipment or software. I'm a certified yoga teacher, but I'm personally out of practice with my own yoga, so I need to get back on that wagon first. I enjoy writing and copyediting, and I'm pretty decent at that. But who needs to hire writers or copyeditors these days? I don't even know. And then, there's coaching. I loved being a writing practice coach. Would I love doing it again? I don't know.

I know what web/domain name I would grab. I know what type of content I would include in the portfolio. It could turn out to be a great jumping off point for general things I can offer to others, whether it's companies or individuals (think coaching, especially around writing and finding one's voice). 

I just don't know, though. 

If I'm being 100% truthful? 

I wish I never had to work again.

But in this capitalistic hellscape, you need money in order to live.

And I am only making minimal (that's an understatement) money with my willy-nilly crystal/rock and plant sales and cat sitting. It simply isn't enough. All of our monthly bills are behind, including my cell phone bill and our internet bill (and just... all of them). 

When I think about all of this, I just feel tired. 

Overwhelmed.

Directionless.

Rudderless.

Restless.

Lost.

I need the answer, and I need it quickly.