Just My Ramblings

I got news today that they passed over me for the job I was interviewing for. I didn't make it to the final round. All due to lack of experience in a similar role. I'm honestly at a loss. It feels like I'm meant to be doing something else.  Something besides working in a typical full time job. But... what ... exactly? I have absolutely no idea. Today, I just allowed myself to mope. To feel sad and down and messy and whatever else came to the surface. I just feel so disillusioned. I'm incredibly down, and I'm struggling to do the basic things, including things like watering and otherwise caring for my plants. And they are starting to show it... especially the anthuriums. Several of them have what I believe to be a fungal infection of some kind, and I need to treat them. I need to repot a bunch of plants. I need to water and prune, and otherwise pay closer attention to all of my plants. And I am just struggling to make myself do it. I honestly just want to stay in bed...

I haven't felt well today.  I'm anxious about the tiktok ban.  I'm anxious about the job... I should find out tomorrow if I'm moving on to the final round or not.  I'm tired of feeling like shit every day.  I am trying to eat more salad and greens and vegetables. I have missed vegetables.  Everything feels so incredibly effortful these days.  I'm just tired.  So I'm putting myself to bed now...

Tonight was one for the books. My fiancée and I went out on a date.  We haven't been on many dates lately, mostly because we've been broke and depressed. But tonight, we made an exception. We went to one of our favorite places, Asian Mint. The food was-- as it always is-- very good. The service, on the other hand... The server was rather curt when taking our order.  We noticed that he had a total of 5 tables. He was very attentive to 4 of them. But ours? He took the order and went out of his way to avoid checking on us for our entire meal. My fiancée attempted to get his attention several times. Her food wasn't quite right (the cashews were missing). She used eye contact to try and draw him, to no avail. I was sitting in an even better position to catch his glimpse as he passed by... but I don't like to use eye contact (big shock) and, instead, I signaled with my hand slightly raised. I did this twice. And, each time, I saw him notice my hand, look away, and continue wa...

Today has been an "off" day. Nothing specific, or so I thought. I've mostly felt a general malaise. Blah. Aimless. A bit listless. And then, it finally hit me. My friend A offered to list some crystals for me on her Palmstreet account, and today was the purge (aka sale).  There was only 1 sale, and it was for $6. And so, that icky, mean, sniveling little voice in my head started saying, "Geez. You can't even sell crystals. What a failure you are." I'm worried that in my job searching, I'm now dealing with ageism on top of everything else. And I'm worried that my autism is causing me to not quite say the right things or ask the right questions during an interview. Or my facial expressions are off. Or my mannerisms. Or there's simply something I'm not picking up on, that's causing me to fail. Part of that came from a Facebook post I made, whinging about the current situation, and a couple of people mentioned that I'm the problem and...

I miss writing letters. In elementary school, I participated in a letter-writing exchange with a student in Europe. I can't remember the first country... maybe Spain?  I also had a pen pal in France. That came a bit later, when I took French classes in junior high and again in high school.  Of course, letter-writing was big in school. We didn't have cell phones yet, so passing notes was one of the quickest, most efficient ways to communicate when you're supposed to be quiet (and paying attention) in class.  We also had "Slam books," which were spiralbound notebooks where each person in a group could write notes in it for a day, then pass it on to the next person. By the end of the notebook, you had quite the tome of juicy gossip. Typically the subject matters focused on teachers and classes and students that sucked. Or when someone said something funny or mean. Occasionally, there might be something "anonymous" about that person's crush. Of course, s...

It's doing some mix of raining, sleeting, and snowing outside. The temperature is hovering right around freezing, so when my fiancée has to get up and go to work before the sun is up tomorrow... I'm betting the roads are going to be pretty terrible. At least it looked pretty, for a minute. Those first moments, when it's so quiet you can literally hear the snow fall, as it lands on branches, leaves, and what's left of the grass. I love that time, it's my favorite. I got a few blissful moments of it today, and it reminded me just how much I miss New England. *sigh* The recruiter for the job I interviewed for a couple of days ago reached out to me today to let me know that one of the 4 interviews had to be postponed until early next week, so that means the decision as to who moves to the final round will also be delayed. Okay, fine. In the meantime, I've spent the last couple of days taking pictures and videos of crystals, and then cataloging them in a spreadsheet...