Just My Ramblings

Depression is a junk yard dog that always follow me, bobbing and weaving in and out of shadows, and he's always there, a few steps behind, waiting for me to stop moving so he can pounce. I know he's there-- he's always been there-- but his pounce surprises me, still, every single time. In all honesty, I'm just not in a good place, mentally.  I'm irritable. Short tempered. Restless.  But mostly... I'm depressed. I'm already on the max dosage of the antidepressant I take, and I can't afford to go to the doctor anyway, to see about changing something up or adding something else.  I hate this feeling. I feel so powerless about everything, and my body is just craving sleep. I still haven't watered my plants. Some of them are really struggling right now. My neglect is staring back at me. I will say this: last night was good. It was good to get out of the house. Good to go on a date. Good to be in a queer space with my fiancée. Good to be affectionate witho...

I got news today that they passed over me for the job I was interviewing for. I didn't make it to the final round. All due to lack of experience in a similar role. I'm honestly at a loss. It feels like I'm meant to be doing something else.  Something besides working in a typical full time job. But... what ... exactly? I have absolutely no idea. Today, I just allowed myself to mope. To feel sad and down and messy and whatever else came to the surface. I just feel so disillusioned. I'm incredibly down, and I'm struggling to do the basic things, including things like watering and otherwise caring for my plants. And they are starting to show it... especially the anthuriums. Several of them have what I believe to be a fungal infection of some kind, and I need to treat them. I need to repot a bunch of plants. I need to water and prune, and otherwise pay closer attention to all of my plants. And I am just struggling to make myself do it. I honestly just want to stay in bed...

I haven't felt well today.  I'm anxious about the tiktok ban.  I'm anxious about the job... I should find out tomorrow if I'm moving on to the final round or not.  I'm tired of feeling like shit every day.  I am trying to eat more salad and greens and vegetables. I have missed vegetables.  Everything feels so incredibly effortful these days.  I'm just tired.  So I'm putting myself to bed now...

Tonight was one for the books. My fiancée and I went out on a date.  We haven't been on many dates lately, mostly because we've been broke and depressed. But tonight, we made an exception. We went to one of our favorite places, Asian Mint. The food was-- as it always is-- very good. The service, on the other hand... The server was rather curt when taking our order.  We noticed that he had a total of 5 tables. He was very attentive to 4 of them. But ours? He took the order and went out of his way to avoid checking on us for our entire meal. My fiancée attempted to get his attention several times. Her food wasn't quite right (the cashews were missing). She used eye contact to try and draw him, to no avail. I was sitting in an even better position to catch his glimpse as he passed by... but I don't like to use eye contact (big shock) and, instead, I signaled with my hand slightly raised. I did this twice. And, each time, I saw him notice my hand, look away, and continue wa...

Today has been an "off" day. Nothing specific, or so I thought. I've mostly felt a general malaise. Blah. Aimless. A bit listless. And then, it finally hit me. My friend A offered to list some crystals for me on her Palmstreet account, and today was the purge (aka sale).  There was only 1 sale, and it was for $6. And so, that icky, mean, sniveling little voice in my head started saying, "Geez. You can't even sell crystals. What a failure you are." I'm worried that in my job searching, I'm now dealing with ageism on top of everything else. And I'm worried that my autism is causing me to not quite say the right things or ask the right questions during an interview. Or my facial expressions are off. Or my mannerisms. Or there's simply something I'm not picking up on, that's causing me to fail. Part of that came from a Facebook post I made, whinging about the current situation, and a couple of people mentioned that I'm the problem and...

I miss writing letters. In elementary school, I participated in a letter-writing exchange with a student in Europe. I can't remember the first country... maybe Spain?  I also had a pen pal in France. That came a bit later, when I took French classes in junior high and again in high school.  Of course, letter-writing was big in school. We didn't have cell phones yet, so passing notes was one of the quickest, most efficient ways to communicate when you're supposed to be quiet (and paying attention) in class.  We also had "Slam books," which were spiralbound notebooks where each person in a group could write notes in it for a day, then pass it on to the next person. By the end of the notebook, you had quite the tome of juicy gossip. Typically the subject matters focused on teachers and classes and students that sucked. Or when someone said something funny or mean. Occasionally, there might be something "anonymous" about that person's crush. Of course, s...

It's doing some mix of raining, sleeting, and snowing outside. The temperature is hovering right around freezing, so when my fiancée has to get up and go to work before the sun is up tomorrow... I'm betting the roads are going to be pretty terrible. At least it looked pretty, for a minute. Those first moments, when it's so quiet you can literally hear the snow fall, as it lands on branches, leaves, and what's left of the grass. I love that time, it's my favorite. I got a few blissful moments of it today, and it reminded me just how much I miss New England. *sigh* The recruiter for the job I interviewed for a couple of days ago reached out to me today to let me know that one of the 4 interviews had to be postponed until early next week, so that means the decision as to who moves to the final round will also be delayed. Okay, fine. In the meantime, I've spent the last couple of days taking pictures and videos of crystals, and then cataloging them in a spreadsheet...

I decided to order a planner to track what I do on a given day, because: Keeping a list in my journal isn't working Keeping a list here doesn't work for me I want one place to collect only what I'm doing in a given day, so that it's easier to find patterns I think it might give me a stronger sense/feeling of accomplishment, if I can see lists of what I've done on a given day/week/month I'm tired of beating myself up for not accomplishing "much" during a given day, and I'd like to collect some data so I can get a more accurate, unbiased picture Of course, the planner won't be here until Monday.  What's up with Amazon Prime, by the way? I'm ordering something on a Tuesday night and it won't arrive until Monday? For absolutely no reason? Or, I could pay $2.99 to have it delivered the same day... but there's no option for next day or-- you know-- the standard two-day shipping that Prime members have been promised for years? I had a...

I have a job interview this afternoon, and in preparing for it, I looked up the hiring manager on LinkedIn. Inevitably, I looked at my "feed" and who showed up there? AB.  My "former best friend" #3, the most recent one. It still hurts to read what she's up to. It still hurts to know she's out there, living her best little life.  Shouldn't I be happy for her? Shouldn't I be glad she's finding success? Shouldn't I be over my feelings of Fuck you for abandoning me! by now? She extracted me from her life with surgical precision, all because after years of a deep, intimate, boundaried friendship... something about me suddenly rubbed her the wrong way. Something about me suddenly became "dangerous" to her. I'm pretty sure that I'll never understand it. That's OK, I guess... I've been able to move forward, even though I had to fake my own closure. And, really-- isn't closure something we have to create, regardless of ...

I wonder if it would be helpful if I quite literally list out what I do on a given day. I'm writing this blog post in advance, so it'll publish on Monday. Right now, it's Saturday night. Today, I showered. I discussed more details about the upcoming crystal purge with my friend A who is sharing her Palmstreet account with me, so that I can have a different outlet for selling my crystals. And also so that I don't have to go to the trouble (and wow, is it involved) of setting up an Etsy shop, because holy shit those bastards take a big cut these days! I measured (and measured again... thankfully) my fiancée's new pants, cut them, and hemmed them. By hand. And in a few minutes, I'll go deal with the dishes from tonight's dinner. That's about all I've done today, and I think that's OK. I think one thing I'm doing better than I used to is... pacing. I used to wake up on a certain day, recognize that I felt more energized than I typically do, and I...

There's so much that I want for my life: I want to be someone who does yoga every day, or almost every day.  I want to be someone who goes for nice, long walks with their dog. Maybe that looks like hiking on trails. Maybe it looks like a walk around the neighborhood. Maybe it's some combination. I want to be someone who prioritizes establishing and keeping "routines" in my life.  I want to be someone with significantly less clutter in my home. I want to be financially free.  I want to grow some of my own food, and to actually have the energy to maintain that and all that it entails. I want to try new things, creatively and otherwise. I want to take classes. I want to go back to attending special retreats and workshops and seminars. I want to travel. I want to own my own home. I want to have my own space in my home, or on my property. I want a studio space where I can keep all of my craft and art supplies and leave things out, knowing they're safe from the cats and...

One way in which I'm definitely still in "survival mode" is around work. I've been out of work (thanks to a layoff) since October 2023. Admittedly, for the first 6 months or so after I was laid off, I just sorta hung out. I rested, continued to recover from my surgery and severe burnout, and I tried my hand at a few different work scenarios. I started driving for Uber, Lyft, DoorDash, and Uber Eats. When those didn't pay enough, I started driving for Alto. When that also didn't pay enough, I started cat sitting, putting off spending the $50 to get the background check for Rover, because, honestly, dog sitting is harder on my body.  Cat sitting is already hard enough on my body, with having to bend over to clean out litter boxes and pet the cats. But dog sitting, where walks are pretty much required-- plus stairs, and being outside in the elements (mostly the heat-- I'm in Texas, after all)... it's just really hard on my body, and many days I simply can...

Since I'm evaluating who I am right now, and what I want (and I'm pretty sure that turning 50 this year has a little to do with all of this self-reflection), I thought I'd list all of the things I used to be. These are pieces of my identity that I've struggled to connect with over the last however-many years. For this exercise, roles in relationships (wife, daughter, friend, etc.) aren't included. Artist Singer Pianist Band geek (oboe; flag corps in the marching band) Writer Reader Leader/facilitator of writing workshops and seminars Leader/facilitator of a creative writing practice group Traveler Healer Seeker Corporate America employee Glass bead maker Jewelry designer/maker Painter Creative Teacher Volunteer/Advocate I've never been all of those things, all at once, but I've come close. Over the last "some" years, I've gone through a number of changes. Some of them were welcome, but a lot of them were not.  Lost my mom to sudden death (sepsi...

I'm starting a blogging challenge, with the intention of blogging every day for 30 days.  I've heard many people say they "can do anything for 30 days." I am not one of those people.  I start and stop.  Start and stop.  Get distracted.  Remember what I'm supposed to be doing, want to be doing, and then maybe, finally, I get on with it.  Or, I don't.  So, we'll see how I do.  We'll see what I do.  All I know is that I'm in a restless place in my life, where I'm evaluating where I've been, who I've been, and what I've done. I'm examining what has worked for me in the past, as far as self-expression and creativity go, and I'm trying to figure out what still fits, and of course -- what doesn't.  Right now, it is like this: I am not who I used to be, seven years ago, seven days ago, seven seconds ago.  My sense of self feels a bit rudderless. My creativity is in flux.  In most areas of my life, I have no answers... only que...