Just My Ramblings

I have a job interview this afternoon, and in preparing for it, I looked up the hiring manager on LinkedIn. Inevitably, I looked at my "feed" and who showed up there? AB.  My "former best friend" #3, the most recent one. It still hurts to read what she's up to. It still hurts to know she's out there, living her best little life.  Shouldn't I be happy for her? Shouldn't I be glad she's finding success? Shouldn't I be over my feelings of Fuck you for abandoning me! by now? She extracted me from her life with surgical precision, all because after years of a deep, intimate, boundaried friendship... something about me suddenly rubbed her the wrong way. Something about me suddenly became "dangerous" to her. I'm pretty sure that I'll never understand it. That's OK, I guess... I've been able to move forward, even though I had to fake my own closure. And, really-- isn't closure something we have to create, regardless of ...

I wonder if it would be helpful if I quite literally list out what I do on a given day. I'm writing this blog post in advance, so it'll publish on Monday. Right now, it's Saturday night. Today, I showered. I discussed more details about the upcoming crystal purge with my friend A who is sharing her Palmstreet account with me, so that I can have a different outlet for selling my crystals. And also so that I don't have to go to the trouble (and wow, is it involved) of setting up an Etsy shop, because holy shit those bastards take a big cut these days! I measured (and measured again... thankfully) my fiancée's new pants, cut them, and hemmed them. By hand. And in a few minutes, I'll go deal with the dishes from tonight's dinner. That's about all I've done today, and I think that's OK. I think one thing I'm doing better than I used to is... pacing. I used to wake up on a certain day, recognize that I felt more energized than I typically do, and I...

There's so much that I want for my life: I want to be someone who does yoga every day, or almost every day.  I want to be someone who goes for nice, long walks with their dog. Maybe that looks like hiking on trails. Maybe it looks like a walk around the neighborhood. Maybe it's some combination. I want to be someone who prioritizes establishing and keeping "routines" in my life.  I want to be someone with significantly less clutter in my home. I want to be financially free.  I want to grow some of my own food, and to actually have the energy to maintain that and all that it entails. I want to try new things, creatively and otherwise. I want to take classes. I want to go back to attending special retreats and workshops and seminars. I want to travel. I want to own my own home. I want to have my own space in my home, or on my property. I want a studio space where I can keep all of my craft and art supplies and leave things out, knowing they're safe from the cats and...

One way in which I'm definitely still in "survival mode" is around work. I've been out of work (thanks to a layoff) since October 2023. Admittedly, for the first 6 months or so after I was laid off, I just sorta hung out. I rested, continued to recover from my surgery and severe burnout, and I tried my hand at a few different work scenarios. I started driving for Uber, Lyft, DoorDash, and Uber Eats. When those didn't pay enough, I started driving for Alto. When that also didn't pay enough, I started cat sitting, putting off spending the $50 to get the background check for Rover, because, honestly, dog sitting is harder on my body.  Cat sitting is already hard enough on my body, with having to bend over to clean out litter boxes and pet the cats. But dog sitting, where walks are pretty much required-- plus stairs, and being outside in the elements (mostly the heat-- I'm in Texas, after all)... it's just really hard on my body, and many days I simply can...

Since I'm evaluating who I am right now, and what I want (and I'm pretty sure that turning 50 this year has a little to do with all of this self-reflection), I thought I'd list all of the things I used to be. These are pieces of my identity that I've struggled to connect with over the last however-many years. For this exercise, roles in relationships (wife, daughter, friend, etc.) aren't included. Artist Singer Pianist Band geek (oboe; flag corps in the marching band) Writer Reader Leader/facilitator of writing workshops and seminars Leader/facilitator of a creative writing practice group Traveler Healer Seeker Corporate America employee Glass bead maker Jewelry designer/maker Painter Creative Teacher Volunteer/Advocate I've never been all of those things, all at once, but I've come close. Over the last "some" years, I've gone through a number of changes. Some of them were welcome, but a lot of them were not.  Lost my mom to sudden death (sepsi...

I'm starting a blogging challenge, with the intention of blogging every day for 30 days.  I've heard many people say they "can do anything for 30 days." I am not one of those people.  I start and stop.  Start and stop.  Get distracted.  Remember what I'm supposed to be doing, want to be doing, and then maybe, finally, I get on with it.  Or, I don't.  So, we'll see how I do.  We'll see what I do.  All I know is that I'm in a restless place in my life, where I'm evaluating where I've been, who I've been, and what I've done. I'm examining what has worked for me in the past, as far as self-expression and creativity go, and I'm trying to figure out what still fits, and of course -- what doesn't.  Right now, it is like this: I am not who I used to be, seven years ago, seven days ago, seven seconds ago.  My sense of self feels a bit rudderless. My creativity is in flux.  In most areas of my life, I have no answers... only que...